If it ain't one thing, it's ten

OH Where do I begin?

It's been so hectic around here. You would think with two kids being gone, that things would be a bit easier here. But, that's not how it works in the Metcalf Household. We defy everything that is suppose to be right. And if given the chance we'll turn it in to a disaster, probably!

Let me get you caught up- S.B. decided to flush Cookie Monster down the toilet. Now, I don't know what this kid has against the members of Sesame Street. But, she definitely has it out for them.  If you ever meet her, try to not get on her bad side. I believe she can do some damage to you.  David came to me (when I had JUST settled in to listen to some tunes on the computer with my headphones) and said "You gotta get your camera and come and see this."  Now, to me, that could only mean two things: 1.) There was a really touching moment between the siblings or 2.) Something drastic had happened and I needed proof.  I was sure of the latter.
So, I get my camera and walk down the hall, only to find S.B.'s sleeper drenched in water. It was right in front of the bathroom. I look to the left (bathroom) and there was water ALL. IN. THE. FLOOR. I was afraid-really afraid of what waited on me. So, the toilet lid flew open, and there he was. Sitting in the toilet, just smiling at me. After about dying of laughter, I managed to get a few shots.

 Wednesday night when we came home from church, I realized that the garage light was left on.  When I opened the door to turn the light off, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a snake. A baby snake, none the less. But a snake. Snakes do not bother me. You might find that odd. But, they don't. Now, they bother David...ALOT. So, I calmly say to him, "David, there is a snake out in the garage". He slowly went out there, and moved things around until he got him cornered. He also got a small Sterilite pencil box to put the snake in, along with two spatulas. He was armed and dangerous. Last we seen of the snake, he was under a tote. If you have ever seen my garage, you would be surprised if there WASN'T anything living in it. It seriously needs an overhaul. But, David moved everything around the tote, and stood there. "Jackie, you stand right there, incase he comes out that way, you can step on him".  My response, "WHAT?? STEP ON HIM? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have sandals on, you have shoes on. What if he bites me?" So, he moved the tote, and I seen his head, and David just kept standing there and kept moving the tote, so I said "Fine, I'll kill him, give me a spatula." He hands me the spatula, and I stab it right down on the snakes head and decapitate him. And pick it up and put it in the box. End of story. We did find out that it was a corn snake, and nothing venomous. So, we killed a snake that could kill the mice around here. But, then I thought that Simon does such a good job of killing and decapitating them, I wouldn't want him to feel neglected.

That was all within a weeks time. Or maybe less. :)

Things I learned this Summer

Well, Summer is at an end. *sigh* I am so freakin' happy! WHOO HOO! My boys go back to school tomorrow, and they are so excited, and so am I! In order not to hurt my feelings, they have sworn themselves to secrecy about their true feelings about homeschooling. In other words, they hated it. But, I don't think they hated it as much as me. At  least for all of them.  I am still homeschooling M., and am actually excited about that!

So, on to the better stuff. Here are some things I learned this summer:

* BOYS HAVE STUN.

   What is stun you ask?  In an effort to keep boy conversation to a minimum, the boys have come up with code names for their, um, you know... and that happens to be stun for nuts. I am sure you all wanted to know that. But, hey, that's what happens when you live with boys. Ain't no shame in their game!

* THE MEMBERS OF SESAME STREET NEED TO TAKE SWIMMING LESSONS

   Sorry, 123 Sesame Street, but you guys definitely need to learn how to swim. Ernie almost drowned twice.  And Cookie Monster was revived after a few minutes in the toilet. Take some time to train your Monsters so they can swim. Geez.

*  MY OBSESSION WITH EDWARD IS UNHEALTHY

    David tells me all the time that I need help. I tell him that I am not obsessed with Rob Pattinson, but Edward. I couldn't care less about Rob Pattinson so much as that he is Edward. Edward magnets on the refrigerator. Edward shirt. Edward necklace. Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse. AGH! It's so bad that my boys ask me " Momma, do you love me or Edward more?"

*  BOYS LIKE TO BLOW UP THINGS

    Anyone with boys knows this is so true. This is probably only reason that I don't like Fourth of July. I mean, I like the 4th. But, I hate that every time I turn around, my kids are taking their action figures and blowing them up on the driveway. It looks like a toy factory gone bad. I still find body parts laying around the yard.

*  COUPONING IS ADDICTIVE

    Is that a word? If not, it should be. My new obsession is Publix.  I LOVE Publix. I am going to marry it someday. Not really, but David probably wouldn't mind that kind of bigamy. Right?  My goal every week is to see if I can save more than I can spend. So far, so good. I know that there is so much more to learn. But, it's exciting. I think my obsession with coupons is right under my obsession for Edward. At least my kids think so. It must be a problem, because I am in denial.

EDITED TO ADD: After doing a spell check- Couponing is NOT a word. Just in case you wondered!

*  MY KIDS ARE A+ EXTERMINATORS

    After I went to be one night, they managed to help Simon to wrangle a mouse down, and proceeded to finish him off. And was so polite as to clean up their mess by flushing it down the toilet.

*  WASHING DISPOSABLE DIAPERS IS A NO-NO!!!

     Enough said.

*  FAT BABIES ARE THE BEST!

    I love fat babies. They are so healthy looking. Em is a probably pushing about 22lbs now. She weighed 19 about  a month or so ago. So, I would guess as much as she eats, she is very close to being sumo wrestler. I see that in her future. At least before she turns one! :)

*  THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS SIBLING LOVE!

    I am sure S.B. will wake up in the morning and call them all day long. I think I will take the camera and see the expression on her face when we pick them up tomorrow. She's been with them every day for the past year. I think it'll be kinda hard for her.

I did learn alot this summer, but most of it I can't remember. So, this is what you get. :)

Put your clothes on man!

So, today was M's first day of dance. She signed up for Jazz, and wanted to try the Acro class afterwards. So, that was two hours that we would need to find something to do. So, what do you do with three kids and a hot afternoon? Of course, you go riding around with the windows down.

Seriously, what is the grossest thing you can think of right now?  The decapitated mouse in my earlier post? Or maybe something really disgusting?
Well, whatever it is, it's not going to beat this. We were riding down the road and we seen this guy mowing his lawn. From afar, way afar, he looked to be about 45-50. He had some Daisy Duke swimming shorts on. Now, I don't know about you girls (or guys reading this), but as much as I love David,  I am not going to tell him to put those swimming trunks he had when he was 12 and go mow the front yard. The only thing missing was the pockets hanging out from underneath.
So, I tell L. to get the phone ready, I have to take a picture of this guy and send it to his Daddy, so he'll know how NOT to mow the yard when he's 50.
Only when I got closer, the guy was not only pushing the lawnmower, he was pushing 70, too.  Did I mention that he didn't have a shirt on?
So, it was a definite that I had to figure out C.'s phone to get a picture of the guy. So, we sat in a parking lot across the street while we tried to get a picture. It never happened.
Anyway, the moral of my story is this:  Wives, please don't let your husbands start wearing this kind of stuff when in front of others when they get "up in the age".
I honestly don't think that guy minded. He was in great shape and didn't care one bit.

It's been a poopy day!

Well, I am late again! This is two nights in a row where I haven't hit my midnight deadline. So, I am actually two days behind. UGH. Sorry, trying to find something interesting to write about is getting....well, hard to do. I mean, there is something always interesting going on around here, but remembering what happened when I sit down to write is hard. Very hard.

I am slowly, but surely, trying to get S.B. to use the potty. According to her, everyone goes Poo-poo. Ernie goes poo-poo, Cookie Monster goes poo-poo, Elmo goes poo-poo, Momma goes poo-poo, M. goes poo-poo, Bay-bay goes poo-poo- see where I am going with this? Everyone but S.B.!
So, today, she was being awful quiet. So I say "S.B., do you need to poo-poo?"

"Yes"

"Let's get your diaper off and sit on the potty"

"okay"

So, I get her diaper off and put Elmo on the TV (yes her potty is in the living room) , and tell her to stay on the potty. She sits there, and sits there, and I go in the other room. (Big mistake) After a bit, she comes in here. I ask her if she poo-pooed and she said "no". So, I get up and go in there, and there it is. Laying in the floor. I ask her "S. WHY didn't you use the potty?"  Of course, no response - at all. It's like I put a muzzle on her mouth. Then what really makes it funny is that M is laying in the floor RIGHT BY IT. I say "M- look!" She about died.
"Oh, ugh. Gross. Ugh. Momma. ooh. Ugh. I didn't see it! Ugh."
"I am glad that you didn't get your head in it or anything. That would have been bad."
Of course, I am dying laughing here. Because, M is never still. Ever. She moves all the time. So, when I went in there, she was like dancing in the floor laying down. She would have had a come apart if her hand or head or any part of her body would have gotten on the poop in the floor.
S.B. still hasn't peed or pooped in the potty yet. There's always tomorrow! :)

The Cat

Many of you know, or have seen or heard me talk about Simon. Yes, Simon my cat. Probably the biggest cat you'll ever know in real life. If I did believe in reincarnation (which I don't), I would most definitely bet money that Simon was a dog in his other eight lives.  Because, whenever we have company come over, he'll go over and jump up on their legs, and wait for you to scratch his head.  That's only with company. He's such a show off. He hates us. He never, ever does that stuff to me. It's kinda like your kids. You tell someone that they done such and such, and when that person is around them, they never do it. That's Simon. He gets so excited when new people come over. But, all he does to us is attack us. Every once in awhile, he'll leave us a present in the living room. A decapitated mouse. Yeah, nice. Can't remember when I have had such a nice present left.
I do remember one morning, going and getting S.B. up, and bringing her to the living room. And about 10 minutes later, I spotted Jerry laying over in the corner without a head. Nice. I was just thankful that S.B. didn't find that. *yuck* I can only imagine.

Last night, we were sitting on the couch and C. asked me "Momma, I wonder how much longer Simon will live?"  Me, being such the optimist, said "Oh, he'll live until he's 12 or thirteen, maybe longer."
And across the room, I hear a scoff.  "Psh, that cat will be dead in four years. Look how fat he is." Thanks, David!
I gasp and say, "Uh, David, don't say that. He has alot of good years ahead of him."
"No, he don't. I bet his little kitty heart is just working overtime. Can you imagine?  We'll need a kitty defibrillator to keep him going."
So, if anyone knows of a defibrillator that fits a 25lb. cat, let me know.

It's Getting Hot in Here

...so take off all your clothes. No, not really. I am sure that you don't want me to take off all my clothes. Of course, I felt like it plenty of times today. It's been burning up down here. It doesn't help that the humidity is 83% either.

Today was a long day.  I took M. to get her dance stuff today. She is a true girl, too. She tried on 6 different outfits, and picked out the first one she tried on. When we were checking out, the young lady behind the counter said "Ya'll look so much alike!" I said "Yes, that's what alot of people say. I am her older sister. "
Of course, M. says "Uh-uh! You're my momma." Then I think she said something about me being old and all. But, I tuned her out. After that remark, I seriously thought about making her put her outfit back. She didn't need it anyway.

She's taking Jazz this year. Any of you mothers that have let their daughters take dance lessons, knows what kinds of outfits they wear. I swear, if you look at all the outfits, it's like  looking in a hooker's closet. (Probably what that girls closet we seen in Kangaroo last night looks like, too.)  Luckily, we found an outfit that weren't quite Daisy Dukes, and covered her tummy. So, the mission was accomplished.  There was no way that M would have made it out of there with any of those outfits if her daddy had been with her. In all honesty, no one sees her wear this except the teacher and girls in her class. There are no boys (that I know of yet) in her class.

After I got home, I had to get ready to go and do a photo shoot. Can you say HOT? ALOT HOT! It was about 97 degrees, and miserable. After that, I really felt like I almost passed out. Had a headache ever since.
David cooked steaks tonight, and it was really good. I am so thankful for such a wonderful husband. He truly is the bomb. I hate that he's going back to work Monday. It's back to the grind for everyone. *sigh*

Nine days until school starts! I don't know who is more excited- me or the kids. :)

I am going to end it with a picture I took of the girls reading together. It's a sweet picture. S.B. wanted to sit in M.'s lap.

Goodnight!

Freaky Friday

I realized tonight that Friday Nights are mostly made of freaks. All kinds of freaky, crazy people come out on the weekends.

Let me back up to say that David and I had a date night tonight. Yes, tonight someone came and watched ALL of our kids so we could go out on a date. 

Let me back up again- I left this morning around 10:30 to run some errands. I was on a mission to find some things for some photo shoots coming up. I called David and very politely asked him to PLEASE wash the clothes that were laying under the ironing board. ( Why were the clothes under the ironing board you ask? Well, because I have so many loads to do, I have to put them somewhere. I know you understand.)  He said, sure. But, we need some fabric softener. I then replied, OK, I have to stop by Publix (I heart Publix) and get some formula, I will get some fabric softener. (I endorse Snuggle Blue Sparkle, in case you're wondering)(is that enough parentheses?) Went by Publix, got said fabric softener and formula and returned only to find that the clothes were still under the ironing board. So, I asked him again to wash the clothes. I could have done it at this point, but I didn't. So, he washed them at 3pm, everything that I could wear tonight was still damp by the time we were suppose to leave at 4:30. So, I ended up wearing damp jeans. Yay! But, they smelled really good.

After we left, we were on our way to Outback Steak House. We waited. We ate. We left. Blah blah blah.
On our way to see Grown Ups. Has anyone seen that movie? It wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be. I didn't find any plot to the story. And it was just kinda- stupid, I guess.

Then it was on to Ross's Dress for Less store, Target, and finally Kangaroo gas station. The most interesting of these was Kangaroo. You really forget what kind of freaky people lurk out in the night. Maybe one who is- well, I can't really describe her. The way she dressed (like a stripper), the way she acted (like her crap didn't stink) and the way she talked (like she was on drugs). After the encounter with the Stripper, because we were almost positive that is what she done for a living, David and I got back in the car and talked about how horrible we would be in the partying scene these days. And I got on soap box on what goes through a woman's mind to make her want to dress like that? Seriously, I don't understand. Women get so mad when men make remarks to them about how HOT they look when they are sitting there wearing nothing but enough fabric to cover a few things on their bodies. Look around, ladies. Think about what you are wearing. Chances are that if you dress like a hooker, then men are going to treat you like one. Don't wear stuff that degrades you as a woman. Be proud to dress modestly. Treat your body with a little respect, because you deserve it.

I'm done. :)